Left to Wait and Wonder
by ladybuguab
Summary: "I'm sorry. I wish that I was bringing better news. But, this time, I am just not sure that he is going to make it." With those words, Dr. Brackett walked away, and we were left to wait and wonder just what the future would hold.


**Disclaimer**: As always, the Emergency! people own all of their characters and I own any that I may create over the course of this story. I am only doing this for fun. No money is involved.

_*Mostly told from a single character's point of view. It is clear from early on and throughout the entire piece exactly who that person is. There may be some parts written in third party dialogue where it was necessary to convey events. This story is in no way connected to any previous that I have written.*_

_Let's get on with the story…_

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* * *

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How did we end up here?

None of us will ever forget this call. It started out just as any other fire, but as is always possible, in a moment, it all changed. And, there was not a single thing anyone could do to stop it.

The one sure thing that I will take away from this terrible event is knowing that I could never be more proud of this group of men I have been blessed to work with than I am right now. In the face of the unimaginable, they stood stronger than ever before.

* * *

Now that I have time to think about it, I should have noticed the signs. There were so many and they were so obvious, but still, I did not see them.

The morning did start out unusual as John Gage was early for our shift. That should have been my first clue that all was no right with the world. As many years as we have worked together, Johnny being early always indicated that it would not be a normal shift. Usually, the only times he arrived early had to do with a date, good or bad. If the date was good, he used the extra time to brag. If it was bad, well, he spent the time ranting to his partner. On those days, we are glad it is Roy that has to ride with him and not us. This morning, there was nothing, no bragging or ranting, just reserved routine conversation. Next, there was no gift from the phantom waiting for the man as he changed into his uniform. Apparently, the phantom had some idea of the day that was to come and decided to give Johnny a break. I just chalked it up to him beating Chet to work. I guess I was wrong.

Roy was predictable as always. He arrived at the station at the same time that he always had. His greeting provided no indication of the trouble coming his way. He did seem a bit quite, although that was not totally out of character for him. I guess he was subconsciously picking up on the unusual atmosphere in the station.

Nothing seemed remarkably different with Marco or Mike. Like Roy, their routines were as regular as ever. Maybe if one of the three of them had somehow been later or even earlier than usual, something might have ignited worry in my head.

And Chet? No one ever knows when his alter ego is going to show up or even when he himself is going to arrive for work, so there is no way to determine if he is having a normal morning or not. I guess in one way or another, every morning is the same for him, even if that means his routine is having us guess if he has something up his sleeve.

Pushing John's odd quietness aside in my mind, I started the day like I always had.

* * *

_Earlier in the day…_

"Good morning gentlemen. Roll call in 10 minutes."

"OK Cap" or some similar versions of acknowledgement came from my five men who had gathered in the kitchen for their ritual start-of-a-shift cup of coffee and chat with the men already present. The previous shift prepared for and eventually made their hasty departure.

Around 9 ½ minutes later, all five men finally decided to join me in the bay for our morning routine. I had almost decided that they weren't coming and was about to go get them when they finally made their appearance. I did not even ask what had kept them so long. I attributed it to just "one of those days." But, since everyone was still technically on time, I decided not to comment on their near tardiness and moved on to the departmental announcements before assigning chores for the shift.

Since no one was late this morning and the mood was unusual, I made an unusual move, just to see if anyone was paying attention. The past few shifts had been fairly slow, so I didn't have much paperwork this morning. As a captain, I have earned the right to pass off almost all of the daily chores to my men, but occasionally, make that 'rarely', I still like to get my hands dirty. As a reward for them all being there reasonably early, I assigned myself to latrine duty. Their reaction was immediate and everything I would have expected it to be. They valiantly tried to hide their surprise, confusion, and excitement; and no one was about to question their captain's judgment. I could see the smiles behind their eyes, even though they had not made it to their lips. Although I can't say that I was looking forward to the job, their reactions and looks of surprise was worth every minute of it. Little did I know, cleaning a latrine would be least of my worries before the day would end. I would not even care if anyone had scrubbed our toilets.

The pattern of the past few shifts seemed to be holding out as our morning started out surprisingly slow. By 11am, we had not received a single call, the squad or the engine. Not wanting to jinx our fortune, no one spoke about it. Just as we were settling in at the table to eat lunch, our luck did change. By nightfall, we were wishing the morning had been busier and that we had been out on a call somewhere else when this call came through. For afterwards, we might not ever be the same.

* * *

Judging by the number of stations being summoned, this was going to be a big fire. Hearing the dispatcher mention the words 'warehouse' and 'chemicals' made me instantly uneasy. The combination of those two elements could quickly and easily become deadly. And, it nearly did.

Pulling up on the scene, it was clear that this was going to be a difficult fire to get under control. The warehouse was a massive structure with four floors, the bottom two were almost completely involved by the time we arrived. I instantly knew that there would be no men entering this building besides my paramedics if there was someone left inside.

Roy and Johnny were out of the squad and pulling on their coats and air tanks before Mike had the engine completely stopped. Since we were the first to arrive, I assumed command until the battalion chief arrived. I immediately had Chet and Marco pull lines off the truck while Mike took care of preparing the engine. I don't want them attacking the fire until I know more about what chemicals we are dealing with. There are some chemical fires that will only be exacerbated by water. Johnny and Roy followed me as I moved toward the man that is quickly approaching us. I hope that he has some important information for me about what is inside this building and if there might be anyone still in there.

The man, while clearly anxious, was quickly able to identify what was stored in the building. While extremely unlikely to combust with water, the chemicals were still highly flammable and some were being stored in tanks within the structure. Even with one potential threat averted, the volatile nature of the contents still had me worried. The explosion potential was incredibly high. The worst news he imparted was that he was unable to locate the foreman who was supposed to be overseeing this section of the operation. After establishing a potential location, though still broad, for the missing man, I turned to begin our work.

Immediately, I had Marco and Chet open their lines and prepare to advance and cover Roy and Johnny as they entered the building for a quick search. I made sure that they understood that I wanted this to be one of the quickest searches that they had ever done. Even though supporting stations would be arriving quickly, I had no estimate on how long it might take to get this beast contained. Until I can get more lines on it, it will continue to gain ground and I do not like the prospects implied by that scenario.

I would have to guess that it took nearly ten minutes for the first of the additional crews to begin arriving. It was no surprise really. This fire was in the heart of our district and they had come all the way from theirs and halfway across ours. Their presence provided some measure of relief that my crew was no longer fighting alone. In no time, I had them assigned to various key locations and they began attacking the fire.

In those same 10 minutes that I stood watching and waiting for assistance to arrive, Roy and Johnny were just getting started conducting their difficult search of the upper two floors. It was highly unlikely that anyone on the lower floors could still be alive, so I made the executive decision to skip those floors. Even from the outside, I could tell that the smoke within the building must have been incredibly thick. Visibility would be reduced to almost nothing. Not having an exact location of where their victim should be was also working against them. There are a number of large rooms on each floor and I can only imagine what they will find in them. Clutter and unorganized storage patterns in these types of rooms often makes searching difficult and time consuming.

The last time my paramedics radioed in, they were nearing the end of their search on the initial floor and were moving toward the northeast stairwell to move to the remaining floor. As the last of the arriving crews moved into position, I took the opportunity to look around and reassess the situation. As I turned, I came face to face with the man I had met when we first arrived on scene. When he initiated the conversation with an apology, I somehow already knew what he was going to tell me, and as he continued, my suspicions were confirmed. The man that Roy and Johnny were sent in to look for, had never been in the building. He was down the street at a local diner enjoying his lunch break. When he realized that all of the passing fire engines were stopping at his workplace, he made his way over and was spotted by the owner who had approached me from the beginning.

* * *

It happened before I could raise the radio to my lips and order Roy and Johnny outside. From somewhere deep inside the structure, a tremendous explosion tore through the building. Its force nearly knocked me off my feet, even as far away from the building as I stood. Stunned momentarily, I finally looked up to see a number of men picking themselves up off the pavement. They were closer to the blast than I was and lost the battle to remain on their feet.

Seeing the amount of destruction the explosion had done to the building, my heart sank. The entire front half of the building, including the northeast stairs had completely collapsed. The back half was leaning severely as if wanting to follow its companion to the ground. At the time the destruction hit, Roy was due to give me a progress report and update me on their position. His transmission never came through. It has only been five minutes since their last update, but in that amount of time, they could have could have moved almost anywhere. The blue prints that I have in front of me indicate that there is more than one path they could have taken. Although their updates have been thorough, there is no way to be completely sure what their exact position might have been. I can only hope that they were far away from the blast. Even still, I know that based on the amount of the structure left standing, if they were almost finished with their search and moving toward the stairs, Roy and Johnny are most assuredly buried somewhere in the rubble of the front half of the building.

In the moments immediately after the blast, I could not raise either of them one the radio. That could mean a number of things. They radio could be damaged or dropped and knocked out of reach. My men could be injured, unconscious or otherwise unable to respond. Or, they could be…No I will not move to that train of thought, not yet, when there is still at least some small measure of hope. Complicating the situation is the status of the section of the building left standing. It will have to be secured before we can move in and being searching for my missing men. The only factor they have going in their favor is that the force of the explosion seemed to extinguish the vast majority of the fire. Immediately, conditions are being assessed. The only two things that the remaining members of our shift can do is watch and wait.

* * *

Two hours passed before we got the clearance to start moving into the debris field to search for Roy and Johnny. With the amount of destruction and the amount of time that has passed, I knew that only a miracle would keep my men alive, and I was not above getting on my knees and praying for one. And I would have, if I had the time. For now, a prayer spoken on the run will have to suffice. The looks on the faces of Marco, Mike, and Chet tell me that they knew what I have been thinking and have already agreed on the same. We could not spare another minute in our search.

The progress was understandably and frustratingly slow. There was so much debris to sift through it was almost overwhelming. It was difficult to identify where each piece of concrete or wood had come from, the third or fourth floor, the east or west side of the building. Based on Roy's last report, most of the searchers began working near what had once been the northeast corner of the building, hoping that they were very close by. Some were positioned at other locations until there was at least one two man team working in each sector of the search pattern. At regular intervals, all work would stop and we would listen, hoping against all hope that we would hear some type of noise coming from Roy or Johnny, letting us know that they were at least alive. Each time we were met with disheartening silence.

We were only an hour into the mission when our divine intervention arrived. Mike shouted for everyone to be quite. Leaning down near a section of a large beam, he had heard what he thought was a muffled cough. Calling out, he was again met with silence. Not ready to give up, he called again. This time, he was answered with another cough, this one sounding even weaker than the first, but still, no voices rose up out of the debris. That was all the sign that any of us needed. We were at Mike's position in a heartbeat, our earnest renewed. We still had to move slowly and carefully, but we knew where at least one of them lay trapped and we were not going to stop until he was free. Then, we would continue searching if we had to until we had them both.

Although we knew the situation would likely be critical, I can confidently say that we were not prepared for what we found when the last of the large sections of debris were removed from what had been Roy and Johnny's prison. We were relieved at first to have found them both, and found them so quickly. That relief was short lived when we got out first good look at their condition, blood and broken bones obvious to even those of us without any medical training. It was not clear initially whether or not either man was still alive. In my heart, I honestly believed that we were too late.

From my initial glance, I could tell that they were together when the blast occurred. How they stayed so close to each during the force of the blast I will never know. I can just be thankful that they did, because when we found one of them, we found them both. Johnny was on his back with Roy lying on top of his chest. It almost looks as though he was grabbing Roy and pulling him toward him when the explosion ripped through their part of the building. Knowing Johnny like I do, that is a reasonable assumption. I can see the gapping crack in Johnny's helmet and absently wonder what could have struck his head that hard. Although the large pieces of debris that imprisoned them have been removed, there is still a good sized section of a beam pinning their legs. I can see from several yards away that they both have at least one broken legs, and apparently one or both fractures could be compound because there is blood pooling beneath their jumbled legs. I can't tell from here if either is breathing.

A paramedic from another station climbed down to where their bodies lay. I don't remember which station he was from. Pure exhaustion was slowly creeping in and distracting me ever so slightly. At the time, I honestly did not care which paramedic team was responsible for treating Roy or Johnny. I was still caught up in the relief that this part of my nightmare was coming to an end. If either was still alive, I would worry about all that comes with recovery from a serious injury later. Right now, the most important task for me is making sure that those medics have all the gear they need and then I will personally climb down and assist with lifting my men out.

Loud shouts pull me from my thoughts. I glance toward where Marco, Mike, and Chet are waiting to join me in pulling Roy and Johnny up. There are slight smiles on their faces, mixed with the deep concern still etched there. 'They're alive' Mike informs me. While a huge weight is lifted off my shoulders at this announcement, some weight remains as I allow mind to start to consider the long term consequences of this call. Returning to my assessment of their conditions, it is clear that both are on way past critical, although Roy seems to be in a little better shape than Johnny. When they roll Johnny onto his side to remove his air tank and place him on a backboard, nausea threatens me with a vengeance. There is a clear indentation on his back where he was lying on his tank. I instantly know that a number of ribs are fractured and very likely have caused some internal damage. Although I have not had the same medical training as my medics, I have worked with them long enough that I have picked up some general knowledge. Right now, I am cursing that knowledge because of what is being implied by what I am seeing. I can take no more and look away.

Only fifteen minutes after uncovering Roy and Johnny, the paramedics have them ready for transport in the waiting ambulances. In any other circumstance, they may have been transported together. Yet, today, their conditions are critical enough that they are being transported separately so that a pair of medics can accompany each man to Rampart and the doctors that are waiting there.

* * *

_Back to the present…_

So now, here I sit, or rather, we sit, waiting for word on Roy and Johnny's conditions. I could tell on the scene that it wasn't good. There was too much blood. How much belonged to each man was impossible to tell. Their bodies were visibly broken. There is nothing I hate more than sitting here waiting for word on any of my men.

It's been two hours since we brought them into Rampart. Not much conversation has gone on. I guess we are still trying to process this whole event. Then again, what do you say in a situation like this? I can't think of much. In some ways, it feels like we just got to the hospital, yet in others, it feels like it has been an eternity. I see Dr. Early coming down the hall. He was with Roy. He is wearing a carefully schooled expression. From here, I can't tell what he is about to say to us.

"How are Roy and Johnny?" Leave it Chet to jump in before the doctor even has a chance to open his mouth. Even under the circumstances, I have to inwardly smile a little. Our constant prankster is also the one who shows the most concern. He is a living, breathing contradiction.

"Dr. Brackett will have to tell you about Johnny. I have not gotten a chance to speak with him yet. Roy is a very lucky man. He has 5 broken ribs, all on the left side. Those fractures led to a punctured lung. We inserted a chest tube, and that seems to be doing its job. His sternum is also fractured. Fortunately, there is only some very mild bruising to his heart, no serious damage. Both shoulders were dislocated, but we have reset those. He also has a pretty significant concussion. He did regain consciousness before we took him into surgery, although right now his is on heavy pain medication and will likely sleep the rest of the night. The laceration to his thigh did damage the artery, but since it was not completely severed, it was easily repaired as well. The fractures of his tibia and fibula were clean. His leg has been casted and should heal on its own. One more thing in his favor is that we haven't had to keep him on the ventilator. He came off of it very nicely after the surgery to repair the artery in his leg and lung and is doing very well on his own. He will be in a lot of pain for quite some time, but ultimately, he will be fine. He shouldn't suffer any long term consequences."

"When can we see him?" I hope Dr. Early understands that I don't just want to see him, I need to see him. When he was loaded into the ambulance, I wasn't sure if I would see either of my paramedics alive again. I can bet that the rest of my crew feels the same way. We need to see for ourselves that a least some small good will come out of this nightmare. I know that seeing him alive will help us all sleep a little better tonight. Although I know that none our sleep will be close to restful, it will go a long way toward helping us begin to move on.

"He will be in the ICU for the next few days so that we can keep an eye on that lung. Joanne is with him right now. Why don't you give her some time alone with him? I will have a nurse come and get you in about 30 minutes. Please don't stay too long. Roy needs his rest."

"Of course Dr. Early. Thanks for everything." I speak on all of our behalves. He acknowledges me with a nod of his head before he steps onto the elevator, his destination unrevealed. I will personally make sure that the guys only stay a few moments with Roy before we all go back to waiting on word about Johnny. Then, I will send them all home. I have already convinced myself that I will be staying the night. I won't tell them that because they will want to do the same. There is nothing that they can do here, and they too need their rest. I know that there is nothing that I can physically do either, but I will be here none the less.

Just as Dr. Early had promised, thirty minutes later, a nurse came and escorted us to Roy's room. Although we were somewhat prepared to see the injuries, it is still a shock to the system to see our friend lying so injured in that bed. Out of respect for Roy's wife, each of us desperately tries to hide our shock. I know that we are only partially successful and I can see the same look emanating from her face. I know that no matter how many times she has tried to prepare herself for this type of situation, there is no substitute for the real experience. She is one tough woman and Roy is fortunate to have married her.

Knowing that Roy will be fine is a tremendous relief to us. But, knowing that John's status is still questionable removes a great deal of joy from this reunion of sorts. Joanne, too, is consumed with worry about Johnny. It is a worry that she can't hide. With unspoken agreement, we all know that we will have to be strong for Roy's sake on the chance that Johnny's condition takes a wrong turn. We would all be devastated if he doesn't pull through, but it would be nothing close to what Roy would experience.

After about 15 minutes of watching Roy sleep, I ushered all of my men out of the room and back to the lounge. Before stepping out, I made sure that Joanne knew that we were there for her just as much as we were there for her husband. She seemed so grateful that she wouldn't have to face this alone, not that she really ever expected she would have to.

Even with the burden of wondering about Roy having been lifted, waiting for word on Johnny has not gotten easier. The last we saw of him, Dr. Brackett was rushing him into surgery without even stopping in the ER. That gave us some insight into exactly how critical Johnny was at that moment.

* * *

It was four more hours before I finally spotted Dr. Brackett speaking to a nurse just outside the OR entrance. That meant that we had all been here for around 6 hours. The fact that the doctor was still in surgical clothing led me to believe that John had been alive for at least part of the last few hours. Otherwise, Dr. Brackett would not be just coming out of the OR and he would have given us the news sooner. Even so, those thoughts do nothing to ease my mind. He could still be coming to tell us that Johnny did not survive.

Just as Dr. Early had done, Dr. Brackett had his expression hidden well. Looking at him, there was no way to tell what he was thinking or preparing to say to us. The only visible sign of the day's events coming from the doctor is his obvious tiredness. Right now, I think we all feel about 20 years older than we did just this morning.

As if anticipating our assault of questions, Dr. Brackett holds his hands up to stop before it starts.

"You might as well sit back down. This may take several minutes." He says to us. I know that what is about to come can't be good. So, reluctantly, we sit.

"First, let me tell you that Johnny is in extremely critical condition. I am still not sure myself how he even made it here alive. I guess I will start from the top and move down. I was told that there was a large crack in Johnny helmet."

"Yeah there was. I have never seen anything like it." I reply.

"Well, from that Johnny has suffered a severe concussion. His skull is also fractured. As a result, there is a moderate amount of swelling in his brain. Right now, there is no active bleeding, but the amount of swelling present has me concerned. We will have to monitor that very closely. I know what you are going to ask. I can't say if has suffered any brain damage as a result. We will just have to wait and see.

Johnny also suffered a number of broken ribs. Some of them were broken in multiple places. A couple of those ribs cause some internal damage. His lung was punctured in two places by them. We actually put a few plates and screws in some of the ribs to stabilize them. I don't usually do that, but I felt the fractures were bad enough to warrant it. On the up side, having them surgically stabilized will be beneficial as far as his breathing and allowing his lung to heal. For now, with the combination of the head injury and the lung injury, he is on a ventilator. We are fully supporting him right now. I don't want his body to have to focus on anything other than healing itself.

One of the ribs also penetrated his liver, which caused a tremendous amount bleeding. Based on the amount of blood in his abdomen, I am shocked that he was still alive when you found him and that you got him here alive. I am deeply concerned about the amount of damage to his liver. It took me almost two hours to repair most of the damage. We will have to hope that the rest will heal on its own. Early tests are indicating that his liver function is greatly reduced right now. If he is going to pull through this, that is going to have to improve.

Two of the vertebrae in his back were fractured. Fortunately, there doesn't seem to be any damage to his spinal cord. Some swelling may develop over the next few days, but I don't suspect that it will be a problem.

He also has bruising to several of his other organs including a particularly nasty bruise on his right kidney. Like his liver, it is having problems functioning. There is nothing we can do about his kidney right now.

Finally, he has a fracture of his left femur. With this injury, he lucked out. It was not a compound fracture, and there is no indication of damage to the blood vessels or muscle. We can be very thankful for that. If he had damaged that artery, with all of his other injuries, he would have likely been dead within minutes of the collapse." Dr. Brackett finally pauses to let this news settle in.

"Johnny is a very sick man. He is still in Recovery and will likely be there for some time. I am going back up there now to see if there is anything else that I can do for him" As he finished, Dr. Brackett stands to take his leave. Before he can escape, I stop him.

"But, what does all that mean?" I had to ask. I wasn't really prepared for the answer that I got.

"Right now, it means that I don't know how this is going to turn out. I'm sorry. I really am. I wish that I was bringing better news. He is a good friend of mine too. But, this time, with the shape he is in right now, I am just not sure if he is going to make it." And with those words, Dr. Brackett turned and walked away, and we were left to wait and wonder just what the future would hold.

* * *

And that is exactly what we did. We waited. At first, we all stayed there in the waiting room. One of the nurses had come in just a short while ago and told us that it would still be another couple of hours before Johnny would be moved to a room in the surgical ICU. The doctors were still having trouble stabilizing his blood pressure. While it is disturbing to know that Johnny is having such trouble, it is a comfort to know that he will be under the constant close watchful eyes of the doctor and nurses in Recovery.

When I finally noticed that eyes and heads were starting to droop, I recaptured my captainly authority and ordered them all home. I pretended to follow knowing that if they saw me staying they would protest to do the same. I quickly doubled back on my path away from the hospital. Only moments after walking out, I reclaimed my uncomfortable chair in that dreadful room and started my wait all over again.

I was only able to sit there for about an hour before I just had to move. Normally, I am very comfortable parking myself behind my desk at the station for hours on end while catching up on the mounds of paper work that constantly litter my desk. But, these were not normal circumstances. One of my men was slowly recovering from serious injuries sustained while on duty under my command, another was still very much fighting for his life, not even leaving space to consider to what extent he may or may not recover.

Soon, I found myself at the entrance to Roy's room just inside the doors of the ICU. Dr. Early had said that they would keep him here for several days to make sure that there are no complications from the lung injury that he suffered. Joanne is still at his side, although she has fallen asleep holding his hand in hers. I quietly pulled a chair in from just outside. Although this chair was just as unforgiving as the previous one, I felt vastly more comfortable here. In this room, I could see that Roy really was holding his own while still waiting to see if Johnny was still fighting. Giving into my considerable exhaustion, I drifted into a light doze.

Finally after spending an hour in Roy's room with Joanne, Dr. Brackett arrived with news on Johnny. I was sleeping so lightly that just the sound of the door opening quickly pulled me from my slumber. I was out of my chair before he could fully enter the room. He lets us know that Johnny has finally being moved into a room. While not as stable as he would like, there is no reason to continue to keep him in Recovery. He has come to escort me to Johnny's room. Joanne elects to stay with Roy for now, vowing to come by soon. I know that this is her way of giving me a chance to be alone with Johnny. I am glad that she has chosen to stay, more for her benefit than mine, for I know that seeing Johnny will be difficult and that is something that Joanne does not need right now, with Roy being in such bad shape.

* * *

Just as none of us will ever forget the call that brought us to this point, the image of Johnny in his hospital bed as I entered his room for the first time will forever be burned in my mind and I am glad that none of the other men are here to witness my reaction. My breathe is instantly taken away and tears fill my eyes. I was so relieved when Dr. Brackett said that Johnny was stable enough to finally be moved into a room. That relief is quickly swept away. While the body in that bed is supposed to be Johnny, it in no way resembles the man who walked in to my station for the start of shift this morning, or yesterday, or whenever it was. At this point, I have no idea what time it is or even what day it is. So much has happened that time has had no relevance since the explosion that initially trapped my men.

Over the years, we have all been injured at one time or another, some of our injuries very serious. This is not the first time that I have visited one of my men in this dreaded ward called ICU. For some reason though, this time is different. It could be that I am getting sentimental in my old age, taking things harder than I did when I was younger, but I highly doubt that this is the case. Maybe it stems from seeing exactly how close I came to losing one or both of my paramedics. I have seen many things over the duration of my career, many broken and destroyed buildings and bodies. When we finally uncovered Roy and Johnny I assumed they were already dead, killed almost instantly. I could not see any way that they could have survived.

When the call went out that they were still alive, an array of emotions poured over my heart and mind. Obviously a tremendous relief swept over my body. They were alive. That meant that there was at least some small chance to get them to Rampart, some small chance that their lives could continue. At the same time, I wasn't sure if surviving this incident was a blessing or a curse. Just from my initial glance, the injuries were worse than I ever thought possible. Blood covered them, bones obviously broken. I honestly don't think that I had ever seen anyone survive injuries like that, at least not survive to have a normal life ever again. That is one of the things that scared me the most. I know that being permanently disabled or brain damaged would be devastating to either one of them. Neither would want to live like that. Who willingly would? Still being alive meant that they could also still be feeling all of pain that would most assuredly be overwhelming. Yes, they are unconscious, but science cannot say for sure if they can hear or even feel in their state. I pray to God that they have no awareness of what is happening. Seeing my men injured and in pain is one of the hardest parts of this job. I have never lost a man under my command, but I have lost friends to the job. While that is definitely the hardest part and I hope to never experience it first hand, this nightmare has me nearly at my physical and emotional end. I know that the coming days are going to be just as difficult as today has been. I just hope that we will all be strong enough to make it through. We will have to be incredibly strong to support Roy and hopefully pull Johnny back to us from his precarious perch between life and death. But, we will have to be even stronger for Roy in the event that Johnny can't pull through. I know that between all of the men on my shift, we will have that much strength and more. I just never want to find out what our limit is. We would all be thankful to never have to pull that much strength together.

* * *

Two days have passed and we are no more sure of Johnny's prognosis than we were in those first few hours after he was brought to the hospital. While his condition has not really deteriorated, it has not improved either. He is still deeply unconscious. The swelling in his brain has increased slightly and the doctors are watching it carefully, already more than a little concerned. If this trend continues, they may have to operate. That is one stress that his body does not need right now.

The bruises covering his body have become increasingly obvious, as they are all now showing their full range of colors. This is a stark contrast to his still too pale skin. I know Dr. Brackett had said that he lost a large amount of blood, and they gave him several replacement units the night after his surgery, but he is still disturbingly pale.

Not helping matters is that his right kidney is not yet measurably functioning and tests on his damaged liver are not coming back with comfortable results. Johnny's hold on life is tenuous at best at this point. No one can yet say what his chances of survival are. That leads me to believe that they are almost too low to consider.

Various doctors and nurses continuously rotate in and out of the room. In a way, I am grateful for their almost continuous presence. While I don't mind getting to spend some time alone talking to John, I always know that there is someone nearby who knows how to interpret the numbers and sounds and signs coming from all the various monitors and tubes that Johnny is connected to. They will instantly be able to notice if something is wrong.

I wish Roy could be here with him. Roy has a unique connection to Johnny that none of really understand. He has sat with Johnny while he recovered more times than I like to count. I also know that Roy would be deeply upset by Johnny's condition. For now, he still does not know the extent of the injuries. There is a chance that they will move him into this same unit tomorrow. Having them closer together will at least be easier on all of us, even if neither of them realize where they are right now. Dr. Early has kept Roy heavily sedated to control his pain since he came out of surgery. I am grateful that he is having this chance to relax and have his body focus on healing itself. Knowing Roy, if he were here, he likely would not leave until physically forced to do so. That would only serve to prolong his own recovery. He will be here soon enough, and until then, I will make sure that Johnny is never alone.

Chet and Marco came by first thing this morning. I can tell from their initial reaction to seeing Johnny that they are just as disturbed as I was when I first saw him. Neither of them speaks for some time. They just stand there looking on as though they are still not sure that what they are seeing is real. When they find their voices again, the first thing they ask is if there has been any change. I sadly relay that there has been none, but quickly point out that it also means that he has not gotten any worse. Right now, that seems to be our goal, coming in and finding out that he isn't worse. I am anxiously awaiting and even begging for the time when we walk in and start confidently asking how much better he has gotten since out last visit.

Mike arrived around lunch time. I know that he carefully planned this to make sure that I can go to the cafeteria to eat something while someone remains by Johnny's side. He uses the excuse that he went by Johnny's place to pick up his mail and make sure everything was alright over there. I can't believe how lucky I am to have an engineer like Mike on my crew. I can always count on him in any situation, even the situations we encounter off the job. That man has a great head on his shoulders, and it will be a great privilege to serve with him as a captain someday or even above him as a chief. Of course, with his record, he might just make chief before me. None of us at Station 51 would really be surprised.

* * *

Seven days….I can't believe that is had already been a week since all this happened. I had hoped that by now, everything would be on its way back to normal. Our shift has the day off, so we are all here to take our turns to sit with Johnny and encourage him to come back to us. As has become the pattern over the last few days, the kidney and liver functions remain a huge concern. As long as his left kidney continues function, he should not have too many complications from the other's functional absence. It is the problem with the liver that has the doctors apprehensive. He has not yet shown any significant problems from the low functional levels, but it is likely only a matter of time if things continue as they are, at least according the medical opinions.

I also heard that Roy is finally well enough to make his first visit to Johnny's room today. If he had his way, he would of course been here much sooner. And he would have been, if he had not picked up one of Johnny's most famous complications, pneumonia. He first started showing the symptoms on day three of his recovery. He had had the chest tube removed earlier that morning and Dr. Early had finally reduced his pain medication to the point that he was fairly lucid for more than a few moments at a time. While it was definitely a setback, I was assured that it would in no way jeopardize his recovery, just lengthen it a few days. I can only imagine how anxious he is to get upstairs to Johnny's side. I remember the look of despair that crossed his face when we were finally able to tell him about Johnny. At the time, I was afraid that he was about to leap out of his bed and run to Johnny's side. I guess he was still too stunned by our news because he never made a move. He just sat there staring at us as if wishing that it were all a bad dream that he was going to wake up from. Rumors have it that the nurses almost had to put him in restraints yesterday to keep him from sneaking out while they had their backs turned. I know that this visit will be a benefit to both of them. I believe that somehow Johnny will know that Roy is here with him. It may just be the catalyst we have been waiting for to spark Johnny's recovery.

* * *

It has been twelve long days since that horrible morning. I have been here for at least a few moments every single day, whether it has been a few minutes very early in the morning before starting a shift or longer stretches after shifts or during days off. I will continue to do so as long as needed and I am physically able. I have even allowed Mike to drive us by here on a few occasions while returning to the station after a call. When I spoke to Dr. Brackett this morning, he said that Johnny's kidney and liver function tests are up slightly but they are still not where they should be. He said that the longer they stay depressed, the more worrisome they become. He did have some really good news for me though. The swelling in his brain has continued to lessen. Johnny has even started to show a few signs of improvement in other areas. He is finally reacting to some painful stimuli. While he doesn't react every time, the good doctor says that any reaction at any time is a positive sign. At some point during the night, he also started trying to breathe on his own. While he isn't taking enough breathes to fully support himself and is still on the ventilator, the occasional voluntary rise of his chest is a truly welcome sight. We are all still wondering how he has managed to avoid a bout with pneumonia. That ailment has been almost a given every time he has been seriously hurt. Even Roy got it with his injuries this time. This is one small favor that we are immensely grateful for.

This morning I walked in on a heart wrenching one-sided conversation by Roy. It was a plea really, begging Johnny to wake up. This is not the first time that I have been privy to one of these conversations. He gave his first one just three days ago when things had taken a turn for the worst.

…_We had finally reached that 'matter of time' point that we had been warned about. The continued near failure of his liver was beginning to rear its ugly head. The doctors were having a hard time keeping Johnny stabilized. It seemed that his heart and even his recently improved kidneys do not like the toxins that are building up in his body since his liver was not filtering them out. Dr. Bracket has said that there is not much more that they can do except continue to provide supportive therapy and hope that he can fight this off. Basically, it is more of the same, watching and waiting. The only difference is that the time spent waiting is time that Johnny may not have. _

_I called Mike, Chet, and Marco and apprised them of the situation. I think that they were getting in their cars and making their way here before I could suggest it and hang up the phone. They instinctively knew that the needed to be here, not only for Johnny or even Roy, but for each other and themselves as well. _

_Roy was outwardly calm, but I knew that he was falling apart on the inside. He was in a sense sitting and watching his partner slowly die and there was nothing that he could do to stop it. This was all happening on only his second full day of being able to stay with Johnny. His first visit was limited to around an hour before he was forced back to his own room. He confided to me before I left to call the guys that he felt like if he had been able to get to Johnny's side earlier, things would not have gotten this bad. He was blaming himself, which I knew would come at some point and I was prepared. I tried to convey to him that he was in no way responsible for what was happening. There was nothing that he could have done from the time of the explosion to our current point that hadn't been done by us or the doctors. Up until just a few days ago, he wasn't even physically able to care for himself, much less anyone else. I could tell that he knew all of this in his mind, but his heart was having a hard time believing it. I may have been taking it too far, but I told him that if he was in some way even a little bit responsible for all of this, which he wasn't, then I was even more so at fault. I was the one that sent them in there. It was me who was ultimately responsible for their welfare. His response was the predictable 'But that is part of your job.' I was quick to remind him of the same. When he and Johnny were hurt, he was doing his job, and there was nothing more anyone ever expected from him._

_We were again visited by divine intervention early the next morning. Johnny had somehow fought through the night. By morning, test results had remained unchanged for several hours. While not the vast improvement we were wanting, it meant that things were not getting any worse, which itself was an improvement. By midday, the function levels had risen slightly and many of the heart and kidney issues he experienced the previous day slowly began to recede. We forced an exhausted Roy into a nearby room to get some sleep. He reluctantly left, but he apparently felt comfortable enough in our assurances that we would wake him with any changes, good or bad. We did not wake him the rest of the day because we felt sleep was more important for him. To our credit, there wasn't much change with Johnny, really only further stabilization occurred, with no true improvement or worsening. The last 24 hours had been bad for all of us, but we, along with the doctors and nurses of course, had somehow pulled Johnny through to live for another day. Hopefully, this was rock bottom and things would only go up from here…_

I can tell that between his own injuries, the tremendous physical pain, and all of this waiting, Roy is struggling. As I could have guessed, he rarely leaves Johnny's room. The only time he leaves is when Dr. Brackett threatens to have him barred from the room if he doesn't go home to eat and sleep. I quietly backed out of the room, never alerting Roy to my presence. Although it was without such emotion, I had a similar conversation with Johnny five days ago. And every time Dixie comes in, she too speaks to him, imploring him to open his eyes. So far, nothing has worked. My optimism is starting to dim even with this morning's report, although the possibility still remains that he could wake up at time. I suppose more waiting is in order. I hate waiting.

* * *

Finally, we got some of the news that we have been waiting for. After fourteen days, Johnny is breathing completely on his own. His kidney function is perfect, and although still a little low, his liver function appears to be well on its way to full recovery as well. He has even shown signs of waking up. He has improved so much in the last two days. I am still not sure if I can believe it; it is almost too good to be true. This morning he even opened his eyes when Dr. Brackett was checking him over. He also squeezed Roy's hand while we were all visiting this afternoon. For the first time, Dr. Brackett was optimistic that Johnny will have a meaningful recovery. He still can't say if he will recover one hundred percent, but with each day that he improves, the odds that he will also improve. If Dr. Brackett is being optimistic, it must be really good. Maybe, just maybe, we will get him back, and we will all be whole again.

* * *

I am looking forward to tomorrow more than almost any other day of my life. I think the only days that rank higher are the day I got married and the days that my children were born. Graduating from the academy and my promotion days are not even coming close to this. Johnny is coming back to work tomorrow.

Johnny stayed in the hospital for nearly a full month. When he was released, we were all there to welcome him home, well to Roy's home. He still wasn't able to stay by himself for a while. But, it would only be a matter of time. Dr. Brackett did tell us on the day that he allowed Johnny to leave that he expected a full recovery. That was also a day I will always remember.

We came so close to losing not only him, but Roy as well. As bad as it was, it could have been so much worse, and I am ever so grateful that it wasn't. Tomorrow is sure to be a joyous occasion on all accounts. I know that Roy is just as excited, if not more so, than I am. I may work closely with all my men, but Roy works so much closer to Johnny than any of us. They are such close friends, and I know that not having Johnny here at the station for so long has been really tough on him. He has never complained once about the constant stream of temporary partners, not even about Brice, though we never expected that he would. It is just not his style. I guess he knew in his heart that all of Johnny's replacements were just that, temporary replacements. He always believed that Johnny would return to us, even thought there were days when none of the rest of us could be so sure.

It has taken almost six long months for Johnny to be cleared to return to active duty. A few of his injuries were a little stubborn to heal, but with a lot of hard work, Johnny is back to his old self again. Some semblance of normalcy will hopefully now return to our station. I assume that he will of course be welcomed back with the requisite visit from the phantom. Even though I will never openly admit it, I have missed their banter. It was almost always guaranteed to end with a smile. There for a while, we were not sure if any of us would ever smile again. And then there is this, we certainly do not want to start this shift off the same way that our last shift together had started. So, just for today, the phantom is welcome here. There will also be a festive party. All of our wives and significant others have all pitched in to make sure that we are well supplied for this little endeavor. Although we had welcomed Roy back with a similar party, this will most assuredly be different. We will finally be a complete family again. We were so lucky this time, and we may not be so fortunate again in the future. I also know that one day, we will all move on and go our separate ways, but for now, I am just going to enjoy being a part of this family. We are all privileged to have each other. I doubt that any of us will ever take that for granted again.

END

* * *

_*As always, I want to thank you all for reading this story. For this piece, I wanted to do something a little different than my first few. It was a bit of a challenge for me and I hope I did it well. _

Left To Wait and Wonder


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